Updated March 6, 2026
Marriage is one of those things in life that you have to experience to fully "get it."
You can prepare, have healthy expectations, and do everything right, but until you're married, there are just a few things you can't be fully ready for. We've been there. And looking back, there's a lot we wish someone had sat us down and told us before the wedding.
So here are 20 things we wish we knew before we got married. Some of these we learned the hard way. Others we picked up from couples who were a few steps ahead of us. All of them are things we think every engaged or newly married couple should hear.
Expectations and Mindset
1. Challenges and problems don't go away when you get married… they usually get worse.
This one caught us off guard. We thought marriage would somehow smooth out the rough edges in our relationship. Turns out, it does the opposite (at least at first). The stuff you're dealing with now? It doesn't magically disappear after the wedding. If anything, living together full-time and merging your lives puts a magnifying glass on every issue you've been avoiding. That's not a bad thing, though. It just means the sooner you start working through those things together, the better.
2. Your first year doesn't have to suck.
We heard so many people say, "Oh, the first year is the hardest." And honestly? That freaked us out a little. But here's what we've learned: the first year is hard, but it doesn't have to be miserable. When you go in with the right expectations, the willingness to grow, and a few practical tools, your first year can actually be really, really good. Hard and good aren't opposites.
3. Unmet expectations are the quickest way to conflict.
This is probably the thing we wish we'd understood most. So much of the tension in our first year came down to expectations we didn't even know we had. Things like who does the dishes, how often you visit family, how you spend your weekends. If you haven't talked about your expectations yet, start now. Even the ones that feel silly. Especially the ones that feel silly.
4. Marriage is way more fun than you can imagine.
We don't want this list to scare you. Because here's the truth: marriage is genuinely so fun. The inside jokes, the random Tuesday nights, the feeling of having someone who is fully and completely on your team. It's better than we imagined. The hard stuff is real, but the good stuff is even more real.
Communication and Conflict
5. You'll apologize a lot. Figure out how to apologize and get good at it.
If you're not apologizing in your marriage, something's probably off. We say "I'm sorry" all the time. Not because we're constantly messing up (although, yeah, sometimes), but because a good apology is one of the most important tools in your marriage. Learning how to say "I was wrong, I'm sorry, will you forgive me?" without making excuses or deflecting? That's a skill worth practicing before you even walk down the aisle.
6. Have fair fights and know how to argue.
You're going to argue. That's just part of being two imperfect people sharing a life together. The question isn't whether you'll fight. It's how you'll fight. Are you fighting to win, or fighting to understand? There's a huge difference. We had to learn (and are still learning) how to disagree without being hurtful, how to take a break when things get heated, and how to come back to the conversation when we've both cooled down. If you want some practical help on this, we wrote a whole post on making up after a fight.
7. Figure out how to reach agreement on all important decisions.
This one sounds obvious until you're standing in the kitchen debating whether to spend Christmas with your family or theirs. Big decisions (and honestly, a lot of medium-sized ones too) will test your ability to communicate, compromise, and stay on the same team. We've found that the key isn't always agreeing. It's learning how to reach a decision together that you can both get behind, even when you started in different places.
8. Communicate frustrations and issues before they blow up, not after.
We cannot stress this enough. That little thing that's bugging you? Say something now. Don't wait until it becomes a big thing. We've made this mistake more times than we'd like to admit. You think you're being easygoing by not bringing it up, but what's actually happening is that resentment is quietly building. A small, honest conversation today saves you from a big, messy one later.
9. Assume the best intentions in each other.
When your spouse says something that stings or does something that frustrates you, your first instinct might be to assume the worst. We get it. But here's what's helped us more than almost anything: choosing to believe that your partner isn't trying to hurt you. Most of the time, they're not. They're tired, or stressed, or just didn't think it through. Giving each other the benefit of the doubt changes the whole temperature of your relationship.
Faith and Personal Growth
10. If you want a great marriage, pursue Jesus first.
This was maybe the most important lesson for us. When we're individually walking with God, reading the Word, praying, staying connected to our church community, our marriage is just better. Not perfect. But better. It's tempting to make your spouse the center of your world, but they were never meant to carry that weight. The closer you each get to Jesus, the closer you get to each other.
11. Selfishness will creep into your marriage quickly. Fight it.
No one tells you how selfish marriage will reveal you to be. And we mean that in the most loving way possible. You're used to doing things your way, on your time, with your preferences. Then suddenly there's another person in the equation, and you realize how many of your default settings are built around "me" instead of "we." It's humbling. But it's also one of the most sanctifying parts of marriage. When you catch yourself being selfish (and you will), just name it and course correct. That's all it takes.
12. Don't ignore childhood hurts/baggage.
This one's harder to talk about, but it matters. We all carry stuff from our childhood into our marriages. Maybe it's the way your parents handled conflict, or things that happened that you've never fully processed. That baggage doesn't just stay in the past. It shows up in how you communicate, how you handle stress, and what triggers you. If there's stuff you need to work through, do it. Talk to a counselor. Talk to a mentor. Don't let old wounds quietly run your new marriage.
Building Your Relationship
13. Learn your partner's love language and get really good at speaking it.
You've probably heard of the 5 Love Languages. If you haven't, the basic idea is that people give and receive love differently. Some people feel most loved through words of affirmation, others through quality time, acts of service, physical touch, or gifts. Here's the thing: your love language and your spouse's love language probably aren't the same. Learning what makes your partner actually feel loved (not what makes you feel loved) is a game changer.
14. Schedule date nights away from home.
It sounds so simple, but it's one of those things that's easy to let slip. When you're married, it's tempting to think every night is date night because you're together all the time. But sitting on the couch watching TV isn't quite the same as being intentional about connecting. Get out of the house. Try something new together. It doesn't have to be expensive. Our premarital course actually comes with a download of 100 date night ideas if you need some inspiration.
15. It's important to have alone time away from your spouse.
We know this one sounds counterintuitive. You just got married. You want to spend every second together. And that's great (really, it is). But healthy marriages also have space in them. Time with your own friends, time for your own hobbies, time to just be alone with your thoughts. It makes you a better spouse, honestly. You're not losing anything by spending an evening apart. You're actually gaining something.
16. If you build your friendship, you'll build your marriage.
At the end of the day, your spouse is your best friend. Or at least, they should be. The couples we admire most aren't just romantic partners. They actually enjoy being around each other. They laugh together. They have fun together. They know each other's weird quirks and love them anyway. So invest in the friendship. It's the foundation everything else is built on.
17. Sometimes one of you will have to carry the team more than the other.
Marriage isn't always 50/50. Sometimes it's 80/20. Sometimes it's 90/10. There will be seasons where your spouse is struggling, whether it's work stress, health stuff, family issues, or just a rough patch. And in those seasons, you might have to carry more of the weight. That's okay. Because the reverse will be true someday too. That's what being a team actually looks like.
Daily Life Together
18. While important, sex is an extremely small part of marriage.
We know this topic gets a lot of attention (especially in premarital conversations), and it should. Intimacy matters. But here's what surprised us: sex is a really small percentage of your actual day-to-day married life. The vast majority of marriage is doing dishes, having conversations, running errands, making decisions, and figuring out life together. So yes, invest in your intimacy. But also invest in all the other stuff. That's where the real depth of your relationship lives.
19. Living together once you get married is fun, but also an exercise in not sweating the small stuff.
Toothpaste caps. Towels on the floor. Dishes in the sink. The thermostat. We could go on. Living with another person full-time will surface all kinds of tiny annoyances you never saw coming. And here's our advice: let most of it go. Seriously. Pick your battles. Not every hill is worth dying on. The stuff that actually matters? Talk about it. The rest? Take a deep breath and move on. If you're curious about what this transition looks like, we have a whole post on things we learned moving into our first home.
20. Family plays a bigger role in your marriage than you realize.
When you get married, you're not just marrying a person. You're joining a family. And that comes with a whole set of dynamics you might not expect. Holidays, boundaries, expectations, traditions, opinions. Learning how to navigate your relationship with your in-laws (while also protecting your new marriage) is one of the most important things you'll do in your first year. If this is something you're already feeling, you're not alone. We wrote about boundaries with in-laws that might be helpful.
You've Got This
We wrote this blog a while back, and honestly? It's still more true than ever. If you're reading this far, just know: we're in your corner and we're cheering for your marriage.
If you want more practical tools to prepare for marriage (or strengthen your first year), check out our online premarital course. It covers all of these topics and more, and over 1,000 couples have already gone through it.
You've got this.
