Early on in our engagement, there were a few times we found ourselves seemingly stuck in a loop of getting into an argument about something dumb, thinking we resolved the issue, then doing it all over again.
Generally, the problem could be traced back to unhealthy communication patterns. Patterns that we kept reverting back to without even realizing it.
At their worst, unhealthy communication patterns can cause massive fights and underlying tension in a marriage. At their best, they’re annoying, and as the name suggests, unhealthy.
Below are three, common, unhealthy communication patterns. As you read through these, think about whether or not you’re guilty of any of these patterns. Then, determine how you can take steps to resolve these patterns going forward.
Negative interpretation means you believe your partner’s intentions and words are more negative than they actually are. You may be negatively interpreting your partner's intentions if you find them frequently saying things like:
When you negatively interpret, you create a “me vs. you” mentality with your partner. This can quickly frustrate your partner who is unable to see what they’ve done or said wrong.
How to Overcome Negative Interpretation: Always assume the best intentions in your partnerAsk clarifying questions to better understand your partner’s intentionsApproach every conflict with a “same team” mentality
Withdrawing from conflict is exactly as it sounds… you’re unwilling to stay involved in tough conversations. You may be with withdrawing from conflict if you find your partner frequently saying:
Withdrawing from tough conversations makes it impossible for you to resolve the conflict or work through the situation. This is especially challenging if your partner is wired for peace and needs to resolve conflicts as they happen.
How to Overcome Withdrawing from Conflict: Commit to not walking away from tough conversationsDon’t pretend like the conflict doesn’t existTake a timed pause from the conversation to gather your thoughts without withdrawing
Invalidating means to minimize or dismiss your partner’s words or emotions during a conflict. Invalidating can happen in a lot of forms, you can read this article to learn more. You may be invalidating your partner if you find them frequently saying:
Invalidating can tricky to identify because minor dismissals during conflict can be seen as a defense mechanism. Invalidating allows you to minimize your role in the conflict and make yourself feel better about what’s happening… all at the expense of your partner and their feelings. If done frequently, invalidating your partner will lead them to shut down and not come to you in the first place.
How to Overcome Invalidating: Remove the need to always have to be “right”Seek to understand your partner’s viewpointIntentionally validate their feelings during all interactions
When you escalate conflicts, you allow negative reactions and responses to pile on top of each other until you’re in a full-blown fight that generally has nothing to do with the initial argument. You may be escalating conflict if you find your partner frequently saying:
Escalating conflicts isn’t helpful for anyone. It can cause your partner to walk on eggshells because any minor conflict can lead to a full-blown fight.
How to Overcome Escalating the Conflict: Don’t bring up previously resolved conflicts, stay on topicMake a commitment to remain calm and keep your emotions in checkTake a quick timeout and think through your response
Which of these patterns do you find yourself falling into? After reading this post, are you able to see how these unhealthy patterns aren’t helpful for your relationship? We’ve been guilty of all of these things at one time or another, and you probably will be, too. The important thing to 1) identify when you’ve fallen into the pattern, and 2) take steps to overcome it.